The Intruder dealt with

Well done Grouse for your quick thinking and all you girls for acting so promptly. So the man from Orffcuts has left . . .in a bit of a hurry too. Apparently the smallest dog was indeed attached to the broom and bit the wretched man – who thought he was hallucinating (being bitten by a mop head) . . . and his delicate state of mind was not helped by Mme G when she finally let him out of the cupboard . . I gather she hadn't had time to shave today, or scrub her underwear.

He was last seen running down the driveway – after being punished by Matron. Rumours are that he was wearing a very fetching Janet Jaeger outfit . . trailing bandages and shouting mummy . . very odd – well done Pipany and Fennie. He was also being attacked by a furious mother duck whom I gather he had disturbed in the shower. Mousie could you mop up the mess dear – and no not with that poor little dog. Oh I see . .mmmm . . he does seem to like it doesn't he . . .

Blossom could I have a word with you in private about the tackroom dear. I had to let the squaddie out of your gymn bag – he was about to be declared awol and was starting to smell a bit. Don't cry dear I'm sure he will write. Oh dear what is that smell!

Toady – sorry you are going to have to move our Press! And I don't think the queen has three eyes dear, now does she? You might need to adjust the plates AGAIN. No sorry dear I don't think it is an improvement on the two noses and beard.

Good grief is that the same gardener . . . mmmmm . . . .he has lost weight hasn't he and in all the right places . . . Kitty don't do that dear, no dear he is a gardener not a fashion model . . oh really . . and he can prune roses too . . .ok! He looks a bit wet though – maybe a towel . . . uh huh . . mmmmm. . . . oil you say – he won't go rancid will he dear?

Inthemud I think we had better take all our Rhubarb wine bottles to the re-cycling bank – after dark we don't want the villagers of Purplecoombe commenting like they did last time. Sally perhaps you could help and do a few trips in Mr offcuts little white van.

Think we had better move the cadbury's chocolate lorry down to the underground car park girls. Best we dismantle the lorry and sell the parts on Ebay! And triple everyone's chocolate rations – who is chocolate monitor this week?

Just for now we can hide all the lipstick in the beehives – bees seem to love it.

Quick girls quick – hop to it – I think our Tesco delivery is arriving . . . .sigh . . . another lorry to dismantle and sell . . and yet another chap to employ as a gardener. Mousie shame on you putting lippy on the mower like that!

Snailbeachshepherdess - no dear none of our ducks are green – sit down and have a coffee dear and we will explain it all to you. Then perhaps you would like to knit a throw for this rather stained white sofa – honestly who gave us a white sofa – living in the country . . .oh I see. . . . .

Oh dear I think I had better go back to bed . . . that Pick me up wot I brewed is NOT working . . . I fell really dizzy again AND what IS that smell! Maaaattrrooooooooon . . . . wailey wailey . . . . .